It’s such a weird coincidence how people who love me are the coolest, smartest, best-hearted people and the folks who don’t particularly care for me are stupid, mean, and bad.

Should birds have feet?

Greed of this magnitude is a mental illness and should be treated as such.

I’m bored. Which is a good sign. At least I feel something besides dead inside.

How can you possibly hoard more than a billion dollars in good consciousness? Warren Buffet himself said billionaires that won’t give away half make him feel like writing a book called “How to Live on 500 Million.”

Online dating? I’d rather meet sleezeballs and fucktards and potential serial killers organically, thank you very much.

The dumpster fire light in me sees and recognizes the dumpster fire light in you. Namaste.

-hole is the funniest suffix. Fun-hole. Gay-hole. Blankie-hole. Wait, why are you leaving-hole? Don’t go-hole. Sorry-hole…

“Fist bump to my fellow hunters” I say as I pass some raccoons in a garbage bin

“I salute you, comrade trash pandas.”

This place has become a hateful racist and sexist cesspool. Thank Elon!

Do people who talk to the TV know the characters aren’t real and also can’t hear them? Cuz I’m not sure my mom knows.

I still think it’s a design flaw that poop isn’t stored in our butt cheeks. Thank you for following. Stick around for more amazing intrusive thoughts that you didn’t want to know I had but I shared with you anyways.

I hate that feeling when a dog tries to hump your leg and you feel guilty because you know you were leading him on.

“Hello, 911? The sunlight is bothering me again.”

I’m an intensely pirate person, ARRGH!

I hate it when you do something awkward then can’t stop thinking about it for a decade.

“It’s all about self-respect,” I say to myself. “Don’t forget, you dumb fucking bitch.”