ha yea nice try. nope. not gonna get me with that one.

time is money, my dad spent all of his that his kids were supposed to get at the casino.

learn from my mistakes: do NOT just “turn it off then turn it on again” if your grandpas life support doesn’t seem to be working :/

i always reuse my glass jars, i empty them, clean them, and then put them in a cupboard and never look at them again until i move.

replying “wow this blew up, check out my podcast!” to my tweets that get four likes as a form of positive visualization.

making a remix to i’m in love with a stripper, called “i’m in love with every stripper and i’m pretty sure if i pay for another lap dance they’ll love me back”

rich people like to say “i’m not rich i’m comfortable”. well you’re going to be very uncomfortable when i find out that means you’re actually rich and ask you for five grand you son of a bitch.

die hard with a vengeance 2 looks awesome!!!

money is like eye contact, i’d be a lot more successful if i knew how to make it.

it’s official...i’ve gone viral 😎

standup comedy is art! that’s why i always go onstage and say “campbell’s soup can, but it looks a little weird”.

After 9 years I regret to inform everyone I will be recording my debut standup comedy album OCT 27th 7PM & 915. The Recording will take place in Vancouver at Little Mountain Gallery.

tonight

i open youtube to watch one thing then 3 hours later i’m halfway through a 45 minute video that’s like “why the main character of The Office is actually paper”

I suck

i am part of one of the bravest and most oppressed groups in history (ppl with undiagnosed IBS)

I’m trying to smash the matriarchy (fuck ur mom)

U wouldn’t get it

show pitch: succession but everybody is nice to each other :)

the girl dancing on me at the club is going to be so disappointed when she finds out the bulge in my pants is actually two tiny dicks in a trench coat