I wanna smell like Johnny Depp and fuck like a wayward bison

Italian weddings must be the best seeing as how they have a soup named after them.

Got a tattoo on my butt hole of a much more beautiful butt hole.

The surgery was wildly successful. Replaced my butt hole with a mini doughnut and now my farts smell like french cruller.

[hospital waiting room] "Sir... your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He's in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!"

Any suggestions on a song to play while I’m getting it on and/or banging a gong?

As I drink to excess, I think about that one Family Ties episode where Alex P. Keaton’s uncle, played by Tom Hanks, searches the Keaton kitchen for any type of alcohol he can get his mouth hole on. And I think: That’s a cool uncle.

"The early bird gets the Flërg." -- IKEA shoppers

Great career Darius! 🤭

Morgan J. Freeman Grok Grok - Yes

Whenever I do nude modeling for art classes, I always always...tuck. The students seated behind me usually give me their paintings for free

Is your barista being particularly snooty and/or condescending today? Get the "expresso."

I just told my son about the birds and the bees and now he's jerking off into the hydrangea bush in my back yard.

Grind down a vampire's canine teeth and all you have left is an albino fuck machine.

Yell "YABBA DABBA DO" and accidentally slide down a stegosaurus and you're ass up in a foot-powered ambulance to an emergency rocktologist.

"WELCOME TO THE JUN-" -- Axl Rose, getting eaten by a tiger

You know she's a natural ginger when she stands up and the Dorito doesn't fall out of her lap.

You know who hates Throw Back Fries Day? Garrett, who works the window at Burger King. "Asssss hooooooole..." he screams as I drive away...

"Sherbet?" No. It's pronounced "schlerblurbf."

Bone in Bone out That's what Easter's all about Jesus Christ My mom is crying All the bunnies multiplying PORK!!!