After party’s are for wankers I’m getting straight of after the gigs get my beauty sleep this level of sexiness doesn’t happen by staying up talking bollox to bellends

Normalise asking interviewers “why is the job available? Did the former staff member move onto better things or the asylum?”

They want us to cover up for Ramadan to not offend the you know who’s. Fuck off. I will wear my bikini made out of bacon when I feel like it.

Making a salmon cupcake with tuna frosting for my cats birthday. In lieu of the cherry on top, it’s a dead mouse. I’m counting on the supermarket having one to spare.

I’d rather play naked Twister with Sumo wrestlers than go back to work tomorrow.

Interviewer: strengths? Me: Self control. I work for a government service. A thousand times a week I hear “I’ll be dead by then” and not once have I said “I’ll be dead before this call ends.”

I was young six days ago. This morning my face skin is like a zombie’s arse

i bought the kid-who-eats-paste version of a smart feeder and it sent me an alert that a close up of my cats ear was “feeder detects a big fire!”I hope it doesn’t send me an alert “aww it’s a cats ear” when there’s a fire.

Dyeing your eyebrows too dark is like life is over.

The British Patriot George Moor I'd say food is up over 100% in the last 4 years

One of the terrorist scumbag shooters was on a watch list. OF. COURSE HE FUCKIN WAS, They don’t deport the goatfvcker they just wait until he kills people.

Indigenous Australians also want Islam out of Australia 🇦🇺

The Missus just rang me in the pub and said, "Can you pop into the Corner shop on the way home, I need some Cillit Bang, Toilet Duck, & Brillo Pads".... I said, "FFS, can you not just wait until you see what's in your Christmas presents tomorrow mornin"? 🎅🎁

I thought “Ring of Fire” was a euphemism for vaginal birth.

Let’s see how long this stays up 😂

⋆˚꩜｡SKYLER saw oasis｡꩜˚⋆ Tell em to FUCKOFF