Introducing NEW KELLOGG’S BREAKFAST TUBE!!!

If I had to sum up my whole life in one sentence it would be “I can’t find my shoes so I guess I’m staying home tonight.”

I wasn’t very popular in high school. My senior quote in the yearbook just said “Yeah, i don’t know who the fuck I am either.”

I just want to start a one episode podcast where I read the track list for this Extreme live album, it reads like a story that starts out semi normal and quickly becomes a pedophile hostage situation

It’s weird when Hulu plays a TV-MA warning, and then immediately plays a commercial after. Is someone gonna fuck on this Peloton bike or what?

Tidying Up with Marie Kondo but it's Marie Kondo helping close any of the 500 tabs I have open in Chrome at all times.

Thanks to Face App I’m now determining who I date based on how hot someone looks when their old. It’s NOT going well.

Hey Post Malone loved ALL of your Nirvana covers. You have darkness in your heart and I love it. Do a cover of my dark ass industrial shit bearframesinorder.bandcamp.com/track/breaking…

Hey Justin Roiland you seen this? You should take a crack at the script

I...may just do this all night

Direct deposit: $1400 Me at planet fitness: I’m ready to see the spaceship

When I look at this I just think they’re shushing each other. “Shhhh Donny.” “ Shhhh Chucky Shhhhh.” “No no Shhhhhh.”

Guys, I’m worried. My phone rang and I yelled “WE’VE GOT MOVIE SIGN!” real loud

You know that badass kid wolverine from Logan? There’s a comic book where she becomes an 18 year old prostitute with a pimp named “Zebra Daddy”. Really changes the movie.

Of course, your comedy changes and develops with time. But, it's important to remember the reason you started down this path in the first place. *deletes one of my tweets so after I post this, I still have 69*

How phone power banks were invented: “Man, I’d give anything for a little extra battery life” “Would you be against tying it to a literal ball and chain that will constantly drag your phone to the ground?” “...nope, I like Fruit Ninja.”

Fun Fact: Those little fingers skateboards, "Tech Deck", were originally called "Technical Decknical Skating Boards".

New soooooong, follow ma baaaaaaaaand #shamelessplug x.com/mamanovaband/s…