Just got kicked out of a secret cooking society - I spilled the beans 😁

I taxi drive as a sideline I’ve got a pick up booked for 24th December from 221b Baker Street - looks like I’ll be driving Holmes for Christmas 😁

Amazon offer order Adam Ant sheet music and you get a free stand and they deliver 😁

Prove times are hard the vicar has got a part time job delivering for Amazon - We call him Pastor Parcel 😁

I’ve got my grandma a new walking frame made by NASA for Christmas and I can’t wait to see her get the hang of it - it’ll be one small step for nan 😁

Just been invited by my neighbours for Christmas drinks with Nibbles - they really do treat that cat like royalty 😁

“Congratulations Joesph it’s a boy” “Mum and baby are in a stable condition” 😁

The man who invented CCTV has been given a knighthood in the Kings New Years Honours - “Arise Sir Veillance” 😁

I arrested a bloke over Christmas for stealing chocolates; he was fortunate to receive a wafer-thin sentence - He got ten days in jail but was out after eight 😁

I was attacked by a flock of sheep this morning- Fortunately I was only grazed 😁

Animal shape biscuits don’t eat if the seal is broken 😁

What do you call twin police officers? - Copies 😁

A man came into our police station and walked back out with a load of our case files hidden inside a picnic basket - We caught him and are charging him with hampering our enquiries 😁

This Valentine's Day, I will almost certainly be inundated! - oops I mean 'In, undated' 😁💕

I had to go to the doctor as somehow I got a bottle of Newcastle Brown stuck on my foot - she told me not to worry it was an ingrowing Toon Ale 😁

An interesting fact A penguin produces a natural oil for their feathers to help them retain body heat - So it’s the oily bird that gets the warm 😁🐧

I saw my doctor yesterday as I had a problem with my left ear - He said "Are you sure?" I said "Yes, I'm definite” 😁

Whilst visiting a stately home yesterday I was injured when a chandelier fell on me - don’t worry I only suffered light injuries 😁

Did I ever tell you that in the 1970’s my dad was a puppeteer at the BBC? - He got sacked when he dropped a Clanger 😁

I went to see the doctor as my obsession with crosswords was getting to me, she told me not to get too down 😁