Diane Keaton and Dustin Hoffman keep showing up at the same places as me and now I’m worried I’m in a Nancy Meyer’s spy movie.

Adding stories to Twitter to make it more fun feels like the time they tried to improve islands by adding dinosaurs.

“What’s your fav movie of all time?” ME: “1993”

this is 100% the most antioxidants ever brought into a US court room

Norman gave Shane Marlowe Kennedy and I one of our first breaks as writers. I will forever be grateful and humbled to have met a true titan of entertainment and such a force for good in the world.

I just overheard someone refer to the Kate Middleton scandal as “Waterkate” and I almost offered to pay for their groceries out of respect

Just landed from a 13 hour flight with no WiFi to find out Shane Marlowe Kennedy and my little body swap comedy made the The Black List!!! Hope the customs people enjoy the logline!!

Thanks to the tireless effort of President Mom & Dad, the XBox that was banned last night is now back in the living room and fully operational #TikTok

*bolts upright in bed 10 years from now* "Why does ACCESS HOLLYWOOD have a BUS???"

NICE

Show me on the beard where the barista ignored you.

I've been telling my Mac to "Remind Me Tomorrow" for 48 years.

80% chance he thinks he's moving the ball with his mind #WorldSeries

Can you imagine how much ice cream the Golden Girls would have eaten this week if they were still around...

Thanksgiving is a special time in America because it's the one day of the year they overeat.

Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.

Every "People You May Know" on Facebook: - friend of a friend's friend - your ex you don't speak to - your ex you DO speak to's dad - Ellen

If you're over 30 and having a "birthday month" your present should be a billion red flags.

Costco™ - For when you're not sure if you'll need mayonnaise in 2034 but you wanna be ready.

Nice try Martin Sheen. Nice try.