I've no idea what she's doing. But if I go missing, I'm under the forsythia.

I'm char-grilling courgettes and I swear I've set off next door's smoke alarm!

Just received an e-mail inviting me to webinar training for exam marking. I misread it as winebar training. I nearly turned it down as I don't need that!

Just found this behind the summerhouse!

I used to have such a nice life and then I got involved with cats.

My foreign language skills are amazing. If I don't know the phrase in the country I'm in, I use the phrase in a language I do know. Confuses everyone except me.

Just having lunch at The Red Lion in Spalding. If it was good enough for Jimi Hendrix, it's good enough for me.

Started watching #MeetTheRichardsons because my wife told me that @LucyABeaumont is funny. Now I never liked Jon Richardson but he now has my sympathy. Also @LucyABeaumont is as funny as a skin tag.

I'm off to #Thatlondon this afternoon. In the olden days I'd say 'Let's meet up for a few drinks'. Now it's, 'Shall we get together and read in companionable silence'!

It's my 70th birthday. My wife said that I should have a party. No! Two reasons: One, I'd have to talk to people Two, I'd have to put socks on. Can't be arsed to do either.

Isn't it funny how on Christmas Eve we go from, 'You can't eat that it's for Christmas' to Boxing Day, 'We've got to eat all of this before it goes off'!

The grand-daughters are constructing raspberry trifles. At the moment the trifles look like something that's just been wheeled into A&E!

Marianne Faithfull - Is This What I Get For Loving You youtu.be/6-0oxE7YXVE?si… via YouTube Her best!

Just blitzed the sauce for lunch and seem to have redecorated the kitchen in sun-dried tomatoes.

Please note Richard Osman the house in Rebecca is Manderley not Mandalay!

Bloody #GWR! Seats booked in coach D, train starts at G!

Just watched Black Work with the fragrant Sharon Duce 💙. Now I've got the theme to Big Deal as an earworm!

Standing in St Peter's Square but taking photos of pigeons.

I know it sounds awful but when someone posts, 'I lost my mother last week'. I so want to say, 'Well that was careless'. I'm turning into Lady Bracknell.

In T3 Heathrow Business Lounge. It's like a posh Wetherspoons, fry ups and alcohol at 8.30 in the morning!