Heard that you become what you surround yourself with, so I’m really trying to attract mature, loving people into my life. And in return I will kill one of your enemies each

Friend: do we have a good place to light a fire? Me: any place is a good place to light a fire

I’m pretty sure the govt is deregulating my hormones. It’s not the moon that’s fucked my cycle, it’s the caucus

I went to text “husband” to my friend and my phone autocorrected it to hub or

If I had a Time Machine, I would only use it to eat good food again and again

Today, I wore a necklace to my office with a pendant shaped like a clitoris, but bc my office is all men, I got away with it

Do straight men make to do lists? I have a gut feeling a straight man with a to do list is a red flag Lemme know

Just passed a group of kids playing outside and my first thought was: oh, their WiFi must be down.

It takes a real special mentality to hear a holiday song and think “this could use some beatboxing”

Mom: “WE ARE NOT THE FAMILY THAT FIGHTS ON CHRISTMAS” Scenario: right after a huge fight on Christmas

I fucking farkled! -my mom

Real question: do they ask everyone if they “renounce satan” before a baptism, or have I just been singled out

Best heckle I’ve ever seen: Comedian on stage: wait someone’s trying to connect their AirPods

Somewhere in BK, a hipster is really missing their emotional support ewe pix11.com/news/local-new…

My brother: Not everyone INTJ is a psycho. But you are.

Boarding a flight and the woman in front of me just said to her kids “alright, anyone who sleeps on the plane gets an ice cream when we land!”

My acting teacher just told me she once got kicked out of watching an opera bc she got the giggles and it infected her whole section.

Crazy to think that I, a New Yorker, can be fighting traffic on the same time zone that someone in Florida is fighting an alligator

I want to star in horror film directed by Rob Zombie, have my own production company, have money, get passed at the Cellar, be your favorite comic, and have maybe a handful of ethically sourced diamonds, and to finally remember how to spell the word tongue correctly

Classic me, drunk in Tokyo