I lost a friend over my bastardization of common idioms, but I think she should just let pylons be pylons.

If you can guess who's face I wanna ride, I'll send you my tits.

I had a very romantic evening planned but my vibrator told me he has a prior engagement.

What the hoes really want from you today is a good dick down for Valentine's Day.

Side hoes calm the fuck down today, it's not your day.

Sorry you didn’t realize I was fat before you asked for nudes.

So, are y’all fucking right now or what?

Come get under these covers with me.. lemme make you forget your world

If you don’t wake me up by poking me with your morning boner.. I’ll assume your dick is broken

Boobs get to do what they want.

Watched porn last night with the husband, no different than any other night but made a new hot video.

Can't wait to fuck my tc and make some hot videos to masturbate to.

I'd watch porn with you and let you fuck me.

I’m at the point in my life where I’ll take sex whenever I can get it.

I envision my death, unable to get up from the bathroom floor, after taking a fall while foolishly trying to put socks on my wet feet.

Eight steroid pills later, not only can I breathe well, but I'm fixing to go lift up the house, so I vacuum under it.

*grows out bush, so you stalk me and hide there forever.

Jefferson Airplane: Don't you want somebody to love? Me: Nah, I'm good JA: Don't you need somebody to love? Me: I'm happily single JA: Wouldn't you love somebody to love? Me: Clearly not JA: You better find somebody to love Me: This just feels like projection