he’s not ghosting me. he’s just eaten too many of the plums that were in the icebox to text me back right now

huge day for girls like me (earnestly believe they could easily pull jacob elordi)

my soulmate and i arent on speaking terms right now

you have to tread lightly when telling someone their celeb doppelganger these days bc celebs are allowed to be normal looking and even ugly now

i wish everyone was sweet and smart like me and not stupid n weird

just saw rfk jr.’s brain worm on raya

woo!

wait it’s….hard to accept the things i can't change? has anyone else come to this conclusion before

why buy the cow when i can get the milk for free? because i want to be the proud owner of a beautiful cow. next question

i invented a healing that’s linear but sold the IP to a b2b saas company owned by blackrock

spending my one wild and precious life weighing raw chicken on a scale for every meal

just won a pulitzer for the story i tell myself in order to live

file these shoes under the labubu x dubai chocolate x tate mcrae subdivision of industry plant

instagram please stop recommending that i follow the people whose profiles i check every waking hour of every single day

we're all allowed to steal from whole foods for the day to celebrate

having a de blasio summer (publicly wishing ill on all of my enemies and prevailing)

dear lord when i get to heaven please let me bring my labubu

i'm literally always saying this

the impending recession has forced me to lay off my monkeys and sell my circus to private equity

both this depop message and the fact that i accepted her offer are recession indicators