good times at davey wayne’s? more like bad times at la fitness

i really don’t wanna become one of those old people who gets mad at everything, but i already hate everyone and i’m not even in my 30s 😣

one thing they got right about the last airbender is that the biggest threat to your success is probably an extremely talented 12 year old asian kid

is this more qualified candidate in the room with us right now

you never used to see that many driverless cars but now there’s Waymo

i did my part to save democracy and all i got was this sticker

halloween as a kid: a fun opportunity to dress up and get candy halloween in my 20s: the ultimate test of creativity to show how much i love my girlfriend

BREAKING - Taboo of the Black Eyed Peas officially endorses Kamala Harris for President

back in my day we used to say if you’re not 1st you’re last. but now all these gen z kids are talking about is 3rd place. 3rd place that’s a bronze medal. we’re raising a bunch of losers. alright you guys have been great i gotta get outta here, give it up for your host

people who run marathons are dumb* * unless you’re my friend

throw a blanket over it :(

at least i've already aged out of the hunger games

think i’ve finally accepted that my perpetually cracked phone screen is bojack’s living room furniture

people used to joke about celebrities being in the illuminati. turns out the illuminati is actually just a huge pedophile ring

my parents rushing us to the gate 3 hours before departure

Our last show of 2024 will be a BANGER. Tickets are selling fast! @PeetGuercio Joe Praino avital ash @katbirdcomedy @stephenagyei aaron aaron aaron aaron aaron aaron aaron aaron @LouisKatz Comedy Bureau Get tickets: jetbook.co/e/jetpack-come…

seeing bukayo saka on crutches

it’s like these recruiters pop a balloon when they see my resume in the pile

it’s been an honor tweeting with you 🫡