I took my 6yo to softball practice and then realized it was canceled. My 6yo smiled at me, 'Well, look at that, we yelled at each other for nothing.'

'You're toast' is such an odd threat. I can't remember a day where I *wouldn't prefer* to be a slice of warm, fancy, farmer's market sourdough shimmering with salted butter and local honey.

How are y'all? I will only accept answers in emoji language and whatnot.

i’m doing intermittent bitching where i only bitch between the hours of 12 PM & 8 PM

My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time

me when someone convinces me to wear something that isn't black

Well, there you go. You can’t argue with science.

I wonder if the first person to use the phrase 'it's no picnic.' realized how hard it is to plan a picnic?

And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking

one of my Dad’s employees asked for their birthday off and my dad said “why? Did your wife get you a clown?” my Dad had to go to a sensitivity class and apologize to him in front of everyone.

I love women because they are either thinking about skincare or death

Drag name: Perry Menopausal

I’m visiting the Lawrence Public Library and found what is possibly the strongest opener for any book ever

I'm gonna need y'all to stop making up new slang words I am exhausted

today would have been my dad’s birthday. he was one of like 600 people left fluent in our language. one time a tv crew he felt was kind of pretentious put him on an international program and asked him to sing a métis song, so he sat there and sang “our asses stink so bad”

If a mannequin moves, it's possessed, not alive.

I admire Billy Idol for his song Eyes Without a Face, because I too love googly eyes and have spent my career trying to find a medium to express it.

Not to be a dick about it but I kinda brought the whole bear thing up a few years back....