just led my horse to water and guess what? he won’t fucking drink. are you serious

grampa: why are u always on ur phone me: why didn't u stop hitler

my dream dui is running over moo deng

sick of cons. every situation just when i think it's only pros here come the cons. and then the weighing of them. jesus christ the weighing

you know rfk ain't letting the crunch wrap supreme stay legal we must demand a recount

stop putting water in the hand soap. it’s not more soap. you’re not creating more soap. i promise you

not now, kitten. daddy is coping with the relentless passage of time

(at the tavern, 16th century) bro you cannot horse and buggy home. you’ve had too much ale. bro give me your reins right now

not the time, iphone

i want my tombstone to explain in detail how i died

how the world looks at work after christmas

“what are you doing for new years eve?” first of all i’m not sure i even exist

some dude in line in front of me at chipotle just asked for a sample of the pinto beans and took a small taste of them and after a long pause calmly said “they’re acceptable”

apple loves making photo montages called "memories throughout the years<3" and then show the most heinous photos of me that exist to the tune soft jazz

he's holding a 75 inch 4K samsung smart tv

just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???

im thinking about taking antidepressants but what if it works and i start doing embarrassing shit like posting instagram stories

fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, i'll kill myself i swear to fucking god