I had 5 naps, ate lukewarm lasagna and a gummy worm I dropped on the floor. I regret nothing.

If you haven’t panicked by now... well you’re just not paying attention.

Hey Gen X, I’ve met your children... WHAT. THE. FUCK!

Text me in the morning to say “How’s my girl?” so I know you chat up everyone but also, you’re a little unsure what my name is

If you think about it, the Bible is kind of gossipy.

I'm only here for the relationship advice.

It's not like I'm trying to do this bad I'm just really good at it.

Growing up is purely a physical concept, not a mental one.

My body type shows that I’m hungry, all the time...

The one good thing about a short relationship is there is much less to delete.

Just because I think you’re wrong doesn’t mean I don’t like you, fuckface

What the fuck? And other unanswered questions.

The thing I love most about you is that you aren't my problem anymore.

I'm old enough to remember a time when "influencers" were just called "unemployed"

Please just pretend this says something clever about vodka.

Whomever controls the information controls the world.