this is the most relatable thing kris jenner has ever said

Going to Colorado this week and I WILL solve the Jon Benet Ramsey murder

These will be my wedding vows

If I had a time machine I would go back in time and teach all baby boomers how to turn a page without licking their hands first

Am in Nashville. I know 0 country songs. Am just yelling yee haw. The locals suspect nothing.

Literally had a man ask if my name was pronounced “moi”, as in moist, “rah” Sir you’re going to jail.

My professors are making us turn our cameras on so I can’t wait to show all my classmates the trophies I earned and questionable decorating decisions I made in my childhood bedroom!!!!

Thanks to corona the only difference between senior in high school me and senior in college me is that I keep my vodka in the kitchen and not my closet

just a reminder when Shakespeare was quarantined, he wrote “The Devil Wears Prada” for his wife, Anne Hathaway.

I’m only 3 gems away from the legendary crown of wonder and if I don’t have it by the end of quarantine I’ll end Arte’s shit

Ya well Guy Fieri’s eldest son isn’t so kind to us all

GOD imagine the GLORY of just not having to go to a whole ass CHUNK of high school

I would like an extra diploma that validates the pain I feel while finishing a degree during these “unprecedented times”

Ya Armie, they do

Not looking for a boyfriend. LOOKING FRANTICALLY for a man near the Brighton area to come to my apartment occasionally and help scare the mouse out of my bedroom. Weak of heart need not apply.

Depression food pyramid:

Pre game coverage is literally just football astrology. You can’t change my mind.