Wrote this one ❄️

Making a list Checking it twice Gonna find out who’s naughty and nice 150 names goin’ down

How I think the barista sees me when I select the “10% tip” option after buying one $3 pre-packaged drink

I love cinema

Have the nominees’ assistants host the #GoldenGlobes next year. I don’t need monologue jokes, I need to know who has a tantrum over a spelling mistake in an email. Make it a roast.

Hello! I do not like to use my big following very often for things like this but this is critically important. Brie's facial feminization surgery is being denied by Anthem Blue Cross and I need to speak to someone about it TODAY. If ever I have needed my community, it is now!

J Lo finally revealed which block she’s from

I need to be held accountable for this prank

I made a #BBLDrizzy Cocktail

For the record, I choose the bear (obviously) but not this mf he’s up to something

“Gig economy” “side hustle” “van life” We’re carnies. We’re white-collar carnies. Welcome to the circus 🎪

Everyone today:

Boy moms will be like “he’s at that sensitive age” and he’s 35

🚨 AWESOME SHIRT MADE BY AN INDIE ARTIST ALERT 🚨 I designed these shirts for everyone else who feels hella weird about July 4th but is excited to explode 🎆things recreationally! Get it NOW for $19.99 plus shipping elyzas-goofy-designs.printify.me/products

Wake and bake? More like that’s that weed espresso ☕️🍃

Get in losers, we’re existing in the context

The only person in this country who *might* be eating pets is RFK Jr, that would track for him

Hey, I wrote this one!

Wrote this one!