I can't explain it, but liking Ben Shapiro feels antisemitic.

Mindfulness is out. We're doing drugs again.

Thinking about cutting down my screen time to 22 hours a day

Posing with invasive plants I removed like dudes pose with dead fish

Sorry I'm running late, I did absolutely nothing for the four hours before we planned to meet because I didn't know if I had time to start something without getting interrupted, and I was still frozen in indecision up until 5 minutes before I was supposed to be there.

Can't remember to take your meds? Start taking them immediately after you feed your cat bc guess who will never fucking forget to remind you to take your meds

Smelling candles at Home Goods until I feel lightheaded like I'm doing the suburban mom version of whippets

A 10 year old asked how tall I am and I said "around 5'9" but he insisted I was definitely taller, "at least 6 feet tall" like the little dude is already preparing to be a guy on a dating app

Solve a debate for me: after how many energy drinks in a single day is it healthier to just do coke

A show about successfully stealing birds from an aviary, call it How to Get Away with Murder

I want to be cool and mysterious but I cannot fucking stop oversharing. I overshare so much that it makes people think I must be lying or hiding something which I guess circles right back to mysterious. nice

I just think that if someone isn't a pedophile, they'd be very excited to prove to everyone that they absolutely aren't a pedophile. They'd show everyone the Big Pedophile List like, "look, I'm super not on it." unless

Just pressing "update later" every single day until I have to get a new computer. Also doing the human equivalent of that to my body until I straight up die

In high school, I was complaining about how long the school day was and my teacher turned to me and said, "the days are long, but the years are short" and I was like "what the fuck are you talking about you lunatic" and then the bell rang and now I'm in my 30s.

Somehow ended up tutoring a kid in AP Gov which is honestly so pointless. Every day we talk about "laws" and "amendments" and every day we spend most of the time wondering if we should even bother. AP Gov is the new writing in cursive

My mom adopted one of my former foster dogs, who was pulled from the streets in Mexico with her 4 flea-infested pups. The left pic is her second ever day being loved and cared for, The right is four years later. Zinnie went from terrified mess to Certified Canine Good Citizen✨

People with ADHD for the entire day when they have an appointment at 3 pm

Let the record show I don't believe shooting Charlie Kirk was a good thing, but Charlie Kirk believed that having the right to shoot Charlie Kirk was a good thing.

Joe Rogan reminds me a lot of my dog in the sense that the most recent thing he heard is the most exciting, and is also the only thing he remembers.

"Not all jobs are supposed to earn you a living wage" oh for sure, this is my recreational job.