Why’s the sun looking like it’s setting over Toshi Station?

I told Hinge that I’m Jewish. Now they only try to hook me up with Jewish women. This is to either eradicate or build up the Jewish people, and either way I feel targeted.

I don’t just want the Criterion Collection Collection. I want the Criteon Closet. Shit they can’t admit they like, but 4 drinks in or after you smoke a jay you go “This is the best shit I’ve ever seen!”

You have a billion, one with 3 commas, dollars and you still couldn’t get your ass out the ocean? That’s on you.

It seems like the only way to save those submarine guys is by sending another submarine, but if those guys fail we’ll have to send a submarine for them. Eventually they’ll be enough that we should be able to climb down and save the first one.

What do sharks at the bottom of the ocean eat? 5 guys

Let’s say the billionaires who went down in that sub had only $1,000,000,000 exactly. They each spent $250,000 on the trip down to the Titanic. If you had $100,000, that would be the equivalent of spending $25. That’s a Big Dinner Box at Pizza Hut Both experiences will kill you

Went to a thing my brother invited me to. It was a cheese expo. I’m gonna be shitting out fondu for the two days.

I like my women the way I like my open mics…tight 5s

I found out which items were the best items at QuikTrip when I was 23 and haven’t left that part of my life since then

I’m not saying you should support Donald Trump. I am saying the best fireworks you can buy come from folks wearing MAGA hats. If you see a thin blue line flag by a Black Cat stand, they got the good stuff.

I’m starting a politically aware punk band called The Ted Kennedys

Olive Garden: “When you’re here you’re family.” Applebees: “When you’re here, your family is falling apart.”

If you don’t blow off somebody’s finger today, did you really celebrate your freedom?

Nothing more American than Chinese fireworks set off by African Americans in a Puerto Rican neighborhood owned by Eastern European Hasidic Jews!

The blood moon rises Nintendo of America

Are we done with Twitter by Facebook yet? #threadapp

If I was a billionaire I would leave all my money in my will to having me encased in as much gold as possible and sent to Fort Knox. Every 6 months I’d show up on a list “The 10 Craziest Thing Rich People Did After They Died!”

I just want enough money I can indulge in the sport of falconry

Did a show for Microsoft. They hated it. Turns out they’re really PC.