When your man asks if you wanna hear about his fantasy football team:

Living through history is exhausting.

Another lovely essay by Steve Edwards.

When you get in trouble for barking at the neighbor for getting into her car in her driveway at her house. (She was wearing a hat.)

i love it when i stump the IT guy. aha you thought this would be a quick ticket. just remote in, click one button, and make me look like a fool. but alas, i have fucked things up more than you could’ve imagined

How does this guy eat a milkshake??

If my 14 year old asked for an AK whatever for Christmas, I would immediately put them in therapy.

In 2012 you could tweet "dog diapers" and get 16K likes and 400 new followers

A bunch of people who never liked Linkin Park to begin with are simply unfazed right now. (Me)

My kid’s school doesn’t even have a full-time nurse on the campus and you expect me to believe they’ve got a surgeon? Where are they doing the procedures? On the cot next to the mini-fridge full of icepacks? Get all the way out of here with this baloney.

Six people, two bathrooms. I either brush my teeth at 6am or noon.

“party in the USA” if it was written by morrisey:

Rrrrrusshah

What?? My cousin lives in Springfield!

I simply had to draw moo deng

When you find a little bag to sit upon.

I would pay good money for one piece of that rectangle pizza from the school cafeteria circa 1988.

“you never think it will happen to you” Wrong. I’ve created every disaster in my head and worried accordingly. I’m the definition of prepared for bad news.

this is what it feels like to wake up early, drink a thousand cups of coffee, and read in total silence for two hours

Yogrit