That one time Johnny Cash was like “No, not only is my career not over yet, I’m about to elevate my badassery to unprecedented levels.”

Against the Jets last week, Buffalo Bills running back Thurman Thomas broke O.J. Simpson's career rushing record. The week before that, he surpassed Simpson in career touchdowns. Next up for Thomas? An attempt to kill three people at once!

Well, more O.J. Simpson news. On Friday, the Juice officially endorsed Bill Clinton for President. Adding, quote, "I'd like to help him any way I can." To which the President replied, "Well, there is ONE thing..." (cut to a picture of Bill Clinton's wife, Hillary)

Who’s your favorite Looney Tunes character? I’ll start:

O.J. Simpson was in a different courtroom this week, attempting to regain custody of his two children. In order to prove to the court how much he loves his kids, O.J. pointed out, quote, "Hey they're still alive, aren't they?"

In his book, O.J. Simpson says that he would have taken a bullet or stood in front of a train for Nicole. Man, I'm gonna tell ya, that is some bad luck. When the one guy who would have died for you, kills you. That's probably ... you don't get worse luck than that.

And in music news, number one on the college charts this summer was Better Than Ezra. And, at number two? Ezra.

And finally, on a sad note, the entire nation joins us here at Weekend Update in mourning the death of comic legend George Burns. Let this be a lesson to all you kids out there. Smoking kills.

Build a statue

For years, Hillary Rodham Clinton has told people that she was named for the first man to climb Mount Everest, Sir Edmund Hillary. But, as Esquire magazine recently pointed out, Sir Edmund did not climb Mount Everest until 1953, six years after Hillary was born. However, the

In Los Angeles this week, the defense suffered a setback in the second O.J. trial, when Simpson was ordered to turn over a secret videotape which lawyers say contains proof of his guilt. What's on the tape? The FIRST O.J. trial.

A frightening moment this week for First Lady Hillary Clinton. Her plane, en route to the former Soviet Union, was forced to make an emergency landing when it was discovered that a frayed wire in the engine was causing serious malfunctions. The President was said to be

And finally... in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, a man allowed his eight-year old daughter to take the wheel of his car. And an accident ensued, that damaged seven other cars, and injured six people. Which once again proves my theory: Women can't drive.

At the White House this week, President Clinton officially came out against same-sex marriages. What's more, the President said he is not too crazy about opposite-sex marriages, either.

A priest says that he got Jeffrey Dahmer to believe in God before he died. Asked if this would get Dahmer into Heaven, the priest said, "No. But it was fun to make him think so."

The announcement of the O.J. civil verdict came toward the end of President Clinton's annual State of the Union address. And, to many observers, completely overshadowed the event. Even the President was distracted during his speech - waiting to hear exactly how much it costs to

So who won the game?

In Bridgeport, Connecticut, Robert Auger, who suffers from emphysema, blew up his home trying to smoke a cigarette while breathing with an oxygen tank. In response, the R. J. Reynolds company has presented him with its "Lifetime Achievement Award."

Someone should educate all these college football talking heads about Bill Snyder

According to researchers in Australia, koala bears have fingerprints so close to those of human beings, that they can easily be mistaken by police at the scene of a crime. It should be noted, however, that the research was funded by O.J. Simpson. So...