Hotel clerk: "Yes so you're gonna be on the first floor. Just take the stairs up one-" Me: "One floor up is the first floor? What floor are we on now?" Clerk: "Um... Floor zero" Me: "You're right. I'm the idiot"

It's crazy, 70 miles per hour is equal to 112 kilometers per hour Just like the dollar, our speed is worth more over here in Poland

Student: When mercury is in retrograde, how does that affect people's moods? Astronomy teacher: Well, you're currently failing this class, so maybe stop thinking about Mercury and worry about your own grades

Whenever I walk around a store and don't buy anything, I'm always nervous that the employees think I stole something. So I get over my anxiety by sprinting out of the store very quickly

The most stolen book in the world is the Bible. Which must be a shock when they get home and read it, "Ohhhh okay. So that's a bad thing. Wish I had this beforehand."

I just realized I may be difficult to deal with after a company's automated customer service robot responds to my message with, "Sir, if you will give me a minute..." They are programmed to be emotionless but I'm definitely being vented about around the office

How the hell do you dance in the new old fashioned way? #ChristmasSongs

Apparently nobody paid the extra $4.99 on this Spirit Airlines flight so they didn't do the safety demonstration and collected the safety information cards

My boarding pass: Main Cabin 1 "Sweet I'll be on the plane early" Intercom: "We'd like to first board people needing assistance... Active military... First class... Diamond passengers... Comfort+ passengers... Sky priority... Main Cabin 2... Main Cabin 3... This plane is closed"

Subscribe to my Patreon to see my "Ten Life hacks" to save money when you lose your job

If Scott Van Pelt was a Simpsons character

I just tried to mobile deposit cash, it didn't work. I took a picture and everything. Why won't you take my $7.84 Wells Fargo ??

I'm a lifelong baseball fan and a student of the game. I have never seen anything like this guy 🤯

How do you get dirt on your shoulders? It's been over 20 years, can we all agree Jay-Z was actually brushing dandruff off his shoulders?

Life is pretty simple. I think the only things I need that would make me happier right now is to spend more time with my friends and family and about $75,000

I wish there was a way to remember that there is an "M" in the word mnemonic

Philly legend, BDN!

Don't just throw any old shirt on for Election Day; red or blue can send a message. Today everyone is either a blood or a crip

Nikola Jokić had a 30-20-20 tonight, it has never been done before in the history of the NBA (excluding MyPlayer in NBA2K, cuz I've had 11 of those (on rookie mode)) #joker #jokic #nba #denvernuggets #nba2k #espn

"You're so uncultured. Are you even familiar with Dostoevsky? Can you quote Tolstoy?" Me: Obviously I can quote them. I've actually seen all four Toy Story movies in theaters. So I bet you feel really dumb right now