So Chase keeps calling me about some bullshit and is owned by JP Morgan and yep 👍

Pffft. Being a dad is so fucking easy

I completely forgot about Twitter because it’s fucking Twitter. Anyway, here’s my son! (Who’s way more cute than any of your wretched offspring)

My son looks like “Mr. Sunshine on My Goddamn Shoulders, John Denver” in this

What a fuckin nerd

Talk about Beauty and the Beast

And that’s why I’m fucking AWESOME

Chocolate and toy cars in one fucking box?! That’s what I’m talkin bout

Seeing The Batman in a little bit and Leo got dressed for it and everything. But it’s PG-13 so he can’t even fucking see it! Stupid baby

🎵 I love it when you call me Big Poppa 🎵

When you’re leaving the gay bar and you just fucking HAVE TO go catch a couple frogs in the creek near your great grandma’s house because it reminds you of the carefreeness and absolute freedom of your youth

Dude, being a dad is fuckin easy! Sitting here taking funny pics of my almost one month-er while he sleeps. He makes any noise or grunt I wake his mother up, my fiancé, and make her deal with it while I go back to watching TikToks about modifying shit that doesn’t need modifying

Boneless skinless chicken breast covered with Taco Bell seasoning on both sides, pan seared in olive oil, thrown in the oven to finish cooking, tortillas in pan with Mexican style cheese, jalapeños added, and served with peach mango salsa (not shown and not homemade). Fuck yeah

My workspace right now

12 days old going on mid-life crisis

Pepperoni and salami in a skillet with butter, toasted bun in same butter in same skillet, freshly cut onions, tomatoes, and lettuce, sliced jalapeños from a jar, habanero cheese, a pickle slice, and some Olive Garden Italian dressing. Fuck Subway 😁

My son’s crunchy bellybutton looks like some tiny teriyaki beef jerky (Jack Link's Jerky)