Legitimately forgot what the Super Bowl was and asked somebody. Has nothing to do with marijuana smoking..

just thinkin bout that time in new orleans when a stripper showed me her boobs and gave me money for my bday. what a great city

For the record, I did not choose to start drinking whiskey at 9..... #TXST chose my last exam to happen at 8.

'pasta' is an italian word meaning 'wet wiggly bread that's super shitty'

but when r we gonna change the national anthem to freebird, obama?

how do u do it Gwen Stefani

ok i get that british cops don't carry guns but seriously how do they kill their civilians

If u don't need to brush ur teeth after eating ramen u didn't make it right

Ramen and Metallica for breakfast cuz I'm white thrash

a full glass of water woud say the glass is half empty & a empty glass woud say the glass is half full. we define each other by wat we r not

Beware of dikes on trikes

Feelin pretty low cuz I just got passed by a lady on a tricycle

'What's up?'
'Pretty good.'

*dont read if u haven't seen latest walking dead*

So crazy that the dead keep walking but sometimes they stay dead u no

I'm apologizing to my man @crissangel I will never spell your name wrong again. U r the best magician ever.

My bad

Levitate me pls

always have a backup, always prepared RT“ret: when you have an active lifestyle and gotta crap on the go ”

*spends all financial aid funds to put a hit out on Joel Osteen

I like to think these bears were supposed to meet for lunch but one got the wrong park

i just heard a radio commercial for 'new powerade lemon' like i hate to break it to you buddy but they already invented lemonade