this is incredible. id give anything to view the world with this much childlike wonder. im going to ihop now

oh hey thanks for liking my story. i didn't realize you were madly in love with me and constantly imagine us as a couple, going on little dates, eating snacks, and growing old together. but im flattered

when i say i got that dog in me i am lying. im fucking scared

me trying to quietly leave thanksgiving dinner with the entire turkey stuffed in my ass

third base is when you make a nice hearty soup or perhaps a stew together

this is exactly how it feels to hit the pen too hard and go nonverbal

bro did you seriously just try to put the cart before the horse

elon will post a caption like "Incredible." and the image is always something like this

(right after my life flashes before my eyes) ohhhh my god i should have spent way more time on computer

saturday night baby you know what that means!! gonna hit the club, stub my toe really hard and scream "yeeeeOUUUUCHHH!!!!" like an old timey cartoon

white people when mr. brightside starts playing at the function

yeaaah im not doing this one

me: backshots in a sundress with no panties on season is almost here 🫣 therapist, taking notes: no that's what im saying like omg

can I come over and do this

getting really scared and saying to myself "it's not real, it's not real, it's just a tv show" when Jerry hits Tom with a big mallet