It's weird seeing all these headlines about Prince Harry because that's what I call my butt.

Down with the monarchy for sure, but before they go can we all start calling eggplants aubergines?

Yeah I’m a foodie* *gets Parmesan on my subway sandwich

Just one more half cup of coffee. That’ll make me feel normal…

The theme song for the NBA on CBS in the 70s is so fucking bad it’s hard to believe it really happened.

Happy Confusing Red/Green Colourblindness Day!

Woah, where did my blue check mark go?….😏

My fiancé is in Hawaii swimming with turtles. I just crushed two Costco hot dogs and feel sick.

This garbage can wants me to get a rock hard boner.

Just told my Gen Z improv class that if “Wazzzzzzuuuuupp” was a Pokémon it would definitely be Lickitung and they had no idea what I was talking about, but I mean COME ON!

Adam Silver, the commissioner of the NBA, sent me a personal email today 🥰

Fight Club only it’s me flossing my teeth.

Not sure about the timing of this Science World…

Me: “I love this cereal” Kelly: “Is it healthy though?” Me: “Yes” Kelly: “How do you know?” Me: “…It has a monkey on it”

Dollar stores might as well call themselves “stores” now.

Says the $5 plastic bucket.

My one hour WestJet flight is now 23 hours long.

I was just looking at hot wheels cars in the grocery store and a man walked by and said, “for the boy?” and I said “yup!” Which felt like a lie, but it wasn’t, for I am the boy.