Q: Why would anyone want to shoot the demented former President? A: If you want a comprehensive answer, we can start now— but we won’t be finished in time for the election.

Ohio voters put JD Vance in the Senate, and Jim Jordan in Congress. I don’t know how anyone in the state can walk around without a paper bag covering their head. The shame and humiliation must be unbearable.

Q: So, JD— you fabricated the horrible story about immigrants eating dogs, but you’re STILL promoting it even after admitting it’s a lie, & knowing that it’s put people at risk. Vance: Yup. Q: Simultaneously, you want us to believe that the couch-fu*king story is fake. Vance:

Notice, won’t you— that only troglodytes who are completely devoid of critical reasoning skills and ignorant of any and all issues pertaining to daily life in America are Trump supporters. Unfortunately, there’s 74M of them.

Trump: JD Vance and I are going to travel around the country, spreading lies— customized for each state— about immigrants doing awful things there. Q: What lie will you tell in GA? Trump: That immigrants are eating their possums. Q: They’re already used to MTG doing that.

In gratitude for electing him to the Senate, JD Vance chose a specific group of people living in the very state he represents— to be vilified, targeted, and endangered by a crazy story he lied about entirely. If you make him VP, he’ll do the same thing across the nation.

Trump: And it’s not just the cats, the dogs, and the other pets. Now they’re eating the geese, too. You can only imagine what they’re doing with the snakes and the gerbils.

I used to say, truthfully, that I don’t hate anyone. Then MAGA started.

MAGAts like this woman are why our democracy is in existential danger. She’s too stupid to be out loose without a court-appointed guardian watching over her at all times. #SaveAmericaFromMAGAMorons

Yes, Kyle, “Gun rights are Biblical rights.” It says so right there, in the book of Ammunition.

Israel taught Hezbollah yesterday that terrorism seems a little different when you’re on the receiving end. Their extraordinarily-brilliant pager sabotage redefined the phrase, “It’s for you.” Q: What’s the new nickname for a terrorist? A: A “uniballer.” apple.news/AoSFskX62Rz2IQ…

Q: Wait— I don’t understand. Republicans promised that they’d “support nationwide access to IVF,” but then voted against it. Wtf? A: They lied. They tell you what you want to hear, and then fu*k you over— every time. Q: But, isn’t that what dictators do? A: Yes— imagine that!

Yes, JD Vance actually said that Haitians come from ‘Haitia.’ And, mind you, he’s one of the more educated Republicans in Ohitio.

This entire Republican strategy of telling you that you’re worthless & weak if you don’t have kids is disgraceful and reprehensible. Your value should be measured by much more than your breeding status, or how many assault weapons you own. No one needs to be Wendy Rittenhouse.

Trump’s newest grift is crypto. Unsatisfied with Trump Bucks, he’s partnered with Chase Herro, who’s called himself “a dirtbag of the internet.” You’ll lose money faster than idiot MAGAts who bought into Truth Social, but wow— are we gonna be LAUGHING!! apple.news/AmKsVd1WoRK6G2…

I’m willing to bet that by this afternoon, JD Vance will be claiming that immigrants in Springfield, OH, are roaming the streets and offering free pagers to locals. A quick reminder to OH voters: YOU elected this human turd. YOU put him in office. YOU made this disaster happen.

Q: Do you think that Kamala Harris succeeded in aggravating Trump with her comment—entirely supported by videotaped evidence— that people walk out of his rallies early? A: Ha, I’d say that she got under Trump’s skin as effectively as— oh, say, Hannibal Lecter might have.

After shocking Hezbollah terrorists by causing 5,000 pagers to explode yesterday, Israel today made scores of walkie-talkies explode, too. Israel should announce that toilets will soon explode— so that Hezbollah combatants will all be pooping outdoors. apple.news/Abdug8_T9RCmnQ…

Senate Republicans again refused to support reproductive freedom— from IVF to contraception. American voters must understand: your ‘rights’ mean nothing to them. If you re-elect GOP Congressmen & Senators, they will absolutely make sure that you HAVE NO RIGHTS. Bye, democracy!

Alert investigators quickly ruled out the possibility of an explosive device having detonated near the demented former president— after numerous observers reported smelling a malodorous mix of fried chicken and feces, suggesting that it was actually—