Computer: “Do you accept cookies?” Me: “Hell yeah I accept cookies!!!”

“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?” - inventor of the bagpipe

I tried jazzercise once, and let me tell you, it’s impossible to do push-ups while playing a saxophone!

I just found $5 in the dryer, if anyone is looking for an experienced money launderer.

I hold my high school’s record for most strikeouts in a season. Unfortunately, it was as a batter.

Called in “sick of other people” this morning.

Jesus: “Hey everyone, I’m back!” Disciples: “We hid some eggs for you to find.”

“The new diet I’m on is going great!” *pours Ranch Dressing on bowl of poison ivy*

*wearing my old pajamas to Walmart to buy new pajamas to wear to Walmart later.

Me trying to sell someone on intermittent fasting, after 12 hours with no food

My favorite stew is probably Chicago deep dish pizza.

Don’t ya love how evidence has been weaponized at the expense of common sense

Is SNL doing anything to commemorate their 50th anniversary? Weird that I haven’t seen or heard anything.

Stuck somewhere between a Large and an Extra Large shirt size.

Every time you order a drink with a tiny umbrella in it, a baby squirrel has to walk home from school in the rain.

🎶Take me down to the Paradise City where the grass is green and the...Wow! That IS green! What kind of fertilizer do you use?🎶

*getting murdered* Me: "You're killing me, Smalls!" Murderer: "OMG! I LOVE that movie!"

Well, it’s time to put on my “Cupid costume”. *adult-sized diaper and crossbow*

If you're attracted to women with blue hair, you might be a Homersexual.

You're not really Irish unless you pour Guinness over your Lucky Charms.