Visit DICKS PETTING ZOO where all our squirrels are permanently paralytic....Don't forget to claim your free pencil case for the kids.* Subject to fluctuating mortality rates.

Here at DICKS PETTING ZOO we armed a troop of 25 rhesus macaques with massive sticks to keep our lazy lions permanently active for our visitors throughout the day. #VisitDicksPettingZoo

Beat Billy the bearded dragon at FIFA 20 and win a free Campylobacteriosis / tetanus injection. Only at #DicksPettingZoo now reopened after a protracted legal battle and lengthy jail sentence.

Ride the COW FLUME, *Bring your own cow, or rent one from one of many of our local farmers. *Affordable rates, no late return fees. Only at DICKS PETTING ZOO

Chimp boot camp, guaranteed weight loss or your face ripped off , FOR FREE. * Leopard skin boxers provided. You won’t find this offer anywhere other than Dick's Petting Zoo

#DicksPettingZoo Where brain eating amoebas are no longer a danger in our water supply. Book early to avoid disappointment.

Kitten boot camp, don’t let your cat become a pussy. Only at #DicksPettingZoo £40 per 45min lesson.

Visit DICKS PETTING ZOO the home of Alan, the world’s only Finger Owl. Created for your enjoyment in our very own on site gene splicing laboratory. DICKS PETTING ZOO proudly meddling in things we don’t understand since 1981.

Get ‘hands on’ with our animals when you purchase our V.I.P access all areas zookeeper for a day package. Only at DICKS PETTING ZOO.

Please do not buy pegs from any of the ‘travelling’ parrots, and ignore any offers of tarmacing your drive for a reasonable price.

FREE finger snake in every bag of popcorn AT DICKS PETTING ZOO If bitten please seek medical attention immediately

Hi The Rt Hon Sir NotSoGreatDictator ABC KLF MA Your children can punch as many rats as they like in our recently uncondemned public toilets. 🐀

Thanks to an out of court settlement we can now announce our 'Revenant' attraction will be reopened for the summer.

LEACH THERAPY 75% of clients agreed,once awakening from a coma felt only a mild burning feeling in their extremities

Have your picture taken with Derek the temperamental semi tame Boa Constrictor £10 ONLY AT DICK'S PETTING ZOO

Try the chefs internationally renowned special sauce in our newly refurbished five star fish restaurant.

Well spotted ❌Stuart❌McLaren❌ a complimentary ticket for a 1 hour intensive spider massage is on its way to you

Get 'hands on' with Alan the angry crocodile our newest attraction at... DICK'S PETTING ZOO

Come join in the fun at #DicksPettingZoo Meet Erroll our recently deloused and practically tick free air guitar playing baby kangaroo.

MONKEY hair salon, nail bar and bikini line waxing now open. Only at....DICKS PETTING ZOO* *Orangutans extra