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Stay weird. You're somebody's perfect.

Who wants to put on a show today?

Idk how anyone can have long toenails. I know that's the trend now but I just can't do it.

I miss when a larger percentage of the population was semi normal.

I’m a shady and shifty mfker now. Call it a “rebrand” LMFAO

do you want to come over and have a cigarette on my lawn

I miss getting naked and having a man's body weight on top of mine.

😂

I’m too old for first date ideas. I just want to smoke a joint, eat snacks and watch High Fidelity together.

A man: Hey Me: That's enough

This German radio guy said he’s too Horny to sleep and too tired to jack off. He’s got problems.

“Please try not to act weird at the family function” I tell my dog as I put on her crocs.

We have four weddings this season. Things are not as dire as the internet makes it seem. People are still falling in love, getting married, and having babies. Go outside.

I'm glad God allows me to believe in free will.

If we take a nap together, you’re now my emotional support person.

I wouldn't say I have a death wish but I wouldn't be upset about it.

😜

I really wish I lived in the south ☀️

Him: Can I see you tonight? Me: I don’t feel good, remember? And aren’t you at a 4-day music festival in Daytona? Him: Yeah, but I can leave. I will leave, right now. I could be there in 5 hours. I could bring soup. Completely crazy…and kind of cute. (Still no though.)

does anyone want to go to an italian spot and eat so much we fall asleep in the uber home