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If I was named Jeff I’d constantly be saying things like “jeffinately” and “I jeffed up”

When your dog is a cross between a German Shepherd, David Schwimmer and a nervous breakdown.

personal growth is sexy as hell.

I think I'm just gonna explode now

THIS IS GETTING OUT OF CONTROL...😂😂😂

ok that’s enough someone put a blanket over my cage

“The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places.” — Ernest Hemingway

This Elon Musk vs Trump breakup is worse than a bitter celebrity divorce with no prenup. Jesus Christ... I'm always offline when the good stuff happens.

It's like 'Real Housewives Of DC' in here with the Musk-Trump public meltdowns, hissy fits and tantrums. The clap backs are like Taylor Swift-level savage. Can't wait for the reunion special.

JD Vance’s reaction to Trump and Musk’s split, apparently. According to sources, his eyeliner ran like he'd starred in the crying scene of an 80s breakup music video.

Tired of being tired of being tired.

When they move the grocery store aisles around.

Hold me like dusk, break me like dawn.

Pretty much...

And now, for my next trick, I’ll blink and miss the weekend, while pretending to rest like a sloth.

hmu if you like your woman to make things a lil awkward by rolling down the car window to yell hi at a dog next to her at the stoplight

This looks exactly how I imagine the woman who accused me of fraud last week - for using an email that didn't have a .com TLD extension. Why would I use a fake email, Linda? How was it verified, Linda? Linda is a twatwaffle.

That feeling when it’s Friday, you blink once, and somehow it’s Monday again.

Sometimes distance isn’t personal. It’s just life unfolding between moments 🩶