If your pastor doesn’t mention that Jesus was rolled in butter on Easter Sunday then walk out.

“god has to allow humanity to suffer the most cruel experiences, and require that non-Christians go to hell, otherwise he wouldn’t be a loving god”

Please, won’t someone think of the acronyms

(A stiff breeze blows across a pastor’s crotch) “Is this a sign of the end times?”

I hope this email finds you fighting the power

God watching genocides play out while he works in mysterious ways

Men have their Roman Empire and I have mine

Children at Halloween: Yay, free candy! Costumes! Cool decorations!

Fundamentalist Christians: how can we ruin this too

A haunted house but it’s just a bunch of men saying “source?” every time you speak

When your pastor tells you you’re the only chance some people will have to hear the gospel but you’re way too introverted to evangelize anyone

My friends: “yeah it can be hard when I go home for the holidays because my parents want to talk about God the whole time.”

Me:

My phone just autocorrected “Jesus fucking Christ” to “Jesus fun king Christ”

Do with this information what you will.

People from the South will look you dead in the eye and tell you they’re from a town called something like Old Frog Tits and you have to just accept it

About 7.25/hr I think.

Well I’m okay with the logic of it lol

Hey Christians. If you think our country needs:

• Prayer in schools
• Modest dress
• A government centered around religious values
• Sacred religious text taught in schools
• Enforceable moral codes

The Islamic Republic of Iran has everything you’re looking for!

And here I was worried about tiny little issues like whether it’s fitting for you to defend & protect abusers!

Be very careful about any religion that tells you all sin is equal

Me: mom can we get rock music

My mom: we have rock music at home

The rock music at home: