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If I shouldn’t be using my phone in bed, at least let me get a play mobile in here, something!

A new “for lease” sign is full of such sadness, but also, possibility! The cycle is never ending…

Watching something fun and light hearted and then you get a commercial for a scary movie is like, great, now I’m on edge. Now I need to see if frickin Nosferatu is behind the curtains

Sitting in your childhood bedroom is always great fun until…the revelations

When the waiter comes to put food down… that’s when you see if your table can function as a unit

Gonna start spreading a creation myth about how everyone from Philadelphia is a descendant of an Eagles player

Christmas Eve you know what that means!! That dang train conductor is going to show up outside my house, with an entire locomotive, yet again!

Bro I heard the grinch was gonna steal your birthday

Jesus: what do you mean the grinch stole my birthday

If we were really a democracy we’d let the plants and animals vote too

Asking people one thing they learned as they leave the theater from the Bob Dylan movie

The reason why NJ transit windows look like this is because if you looked at the New Jersey landscape directly, you’d perish.

I liked A Complete Unknown but the whole time I was wondering why he’s not a CGI monkey.

In 2025 all my movements are gonna be dynamic

When someone loves my text message it makes me feel like a maroon five song

I always board the plane last just to get a good look at all the new friends I’ll be flying with

Didn’t get a single text during this whole flight. DOES ANYONE EVEN CARE ABOUT ME??

“Holdovers 2 and it’s a Tom cruise style action movie where Vesuvius explodes again and Paul Giamatti has to save as many as he can”

Oh I think it’s gonna be a good year

The closest thing to Paris is South Philly