Honeydew is a social construct created by Big Agriculture to sell unripe cantaloupes

Ad agencies have severely overestimated the amount of Kevin Hart the American people can stomach. He's like Chris Tucker except nobody cares if he lives or dies

People are saying Caleb Williams could be the next great USC QB. He might be as great as Mark Sanchez, or Matt Barkley. Really, the sky's the limit when you play football in LA and you're the only QB that ESPN cares about

I could sure go for some natural resources right about now 👀🤤🏞

There needs to be a doula for when you have to poop really bad

You don't have to listen to anything the Dirty Jobs guy says. For one thing, he's never actually held a 'dirty job' in his life, just broadcasting. For another thing, he has a Mike Rowe Penis. Lmao

It's not fair that these are poisonous 🥺

Winnie the Pougar was a popular children's book character created by A.A. Milf [citation needed]

ITYSL has the same birthday as William Shakespeare. Coincidence??? I think nor

Actually, Dr. Gravedigger is the name of the scientist, and Gravedigger's monster is the name of the truck

The richest girl in the world, billionaire Athena Onassis, celebrated her tenth birthday this week. What's it like to be the richest girl in the world? Well, to give you some idea - at the party, they had two cakes.

Happy #420 ! Today is the only day you can smoke weed without dying

Technically it's the greatest song in the world that Tenacious D wrote a tribute song about

Q: why do they call em shoulders??

A: because they should!!

What's up everyone, we're Severe Tire Damage! You can catch our improv shows every Thursday evening for Comedy Holocaust at the Jared Fogle Performing Arts Center (20-year naming rights deal, sorry)

I wonder if the spines of Little Golden Books still taste as good as they did when I was a kid

Just got abducted by one of those doe-eyed Nathan Pyle aliens. He asked me if I wanted a 'saturated William' while pointing his finger at me. Before I could answer, I blacked out and woke up in a ditch, ears soaked...

I'm an OJ Simpson truther. I don't believe he really stole back his memorabilia at gunpoint from a Las Vegas hotel room in 2007

Got kicked out of the 52 Pickup table at the casino for not counting cards

Well it finally happened: my haters somehow got footage of me kneeling at my bedside and saying my prayers before tucking myself in. Ah, I had the little nightcap and everything..