Q: why do they call em shoulders??

A: because they should!!

What's up everyone, we're Severe Tire Damage! You can catch our improv shows every Thursday evening for Comedy Holocaust at the Jared Fogle Performing Arts Center (20-year naming rights deal, sorry)

I wonder if the spines of Little Golden Books still taste as good as they did when I was a kid

Just got abducted by one of those doe-eyed Nathan Pyle aliens. He asked me if I wanted a 'saturated William' while pointing his finger at me. Before I could answer, I blacked out and woke up in a ditch, ears soaked...

I'm an OJ Simpson truther. I don't believe he really stole back his memorabilia at gunpoint from a Las Vegas hotel room in 2007

Got kicked out of the 52 Pickup table at the casino for not counting cards

Well it finally happened: my haters somehow got footage of me kneeling at my bedside and saying my prayers before tucking myself in. Ah, I had the little nightcap and everything..

The reason Fugazi never released the album they recorded with Albini is because they kept referring to him as Steve-Fisted Find, and he hadn't heard Repeater so he didn't laugh, and they were like screw u

Thomas Edison didn't invent the light bulb. He just got an idea for one, and when the light bulb appeared above his head, he grabbed it and patented it

You can scale the walls of Buckingham Palace any time you like. The guards are chosen solely for their ability to keep a straight face, they can't actually shoot well

M̵̥̾o̷̱͊t̶̺͝h̵̯̅e̴̬͑r̵̘̊,̵̑͜ ̸̜́I̷͂͜ ̵̼͌r̶͉̓e̵͎̔q̵͍́u̵̖̎i̶͙̒r̵̪͊e̸͓̍ ̸̨͛m̶̠͒i̶̺̕l̶̙̽k̷͚̈

I walk out on to the road at 3:24 PM EST to stare up at the sky and immediately get run over by a Mitsubishi Eclipse

An eclipse is just a Venn diagram of 'things that are the sun' and 'things that are the moon' and for a brief moment it is 100% wrong.

This is not a drill: Monster Killers is BACK baby

It's not possible to travel back in time to kill baby Hitler, but baby George Jetson is out there right now for the taking

Sheetz has declared today 'April Fuel's Day' by offering 'Gushin' Roulette' at every pump: gas is either free or $29.99 per gallon, but you won't know which one until you've filled your tank

If you see someone die on April Fool's Day then no you didn't

First Patrick Queen signs with the Steelers, then the owner of the Orioles dies, and now this. What's next for the city of Baltimore? A slow economic and population decline? Rising crime rates? The Natty Boh guy loses his other eye?

Curious how Orioles owner Peter Angelos dies on Saturday, and two days later a bridge in Baltimore collapsed 🤫