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Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

The number one thing I learned on xbox live is, a lot of 13 year olds have slept with my mom.

Oh, you play attack? You must score some many goals.

I don't hate you. But if you were on fire and I had water, I'd drink it.

Do you know, there's no angry way of saying 'bubble'?

Oh, so you jailbroke your iPod? You must be a computer genius.

Oh, so you found Jesus? Where was he hiding?

Alcohol goes in, truth comes out.

Oh, so you smoked weed once? Please keep telling everyone how they're smoking it wrong.

If you drop hand sanitizer on the floor, does it clean the floor or does the floor get dirty?, Hmmmm

Sex is like comedy. Most of the time I don't get it, but I act like I do.

Cookies and porn are better when they're homemade.

Oh, you flip the camera off in your profile picture? Remind me not to fuck with you.

Why do feet smell and noses run?

3 words to ruin a man's ego. 'Is it in?'

Oh, you park backwards in parking spaces? You must get all the bitches.

Oh, how do you know Asians robbed your house? Your cat's gone, your homework's done, and they're still backing out of the driveway.

When skinny females bend over to tie their shoes, them girls look like flip phones.

I'd like to see things from my coworker's point of view, but I can't stick my head that far up my ass.

Oh, 3 kids by 20? Please enlighten me on the how tough it is to live off my taxes.