Everyone knows Alan Turing, who cracked Enigma codes But nobody knows his sister Kay, who provided drinks, snacks, and sandwiches for him and his colleagues.

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What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A little hoarse.

I woke up this morning holding a wooden spoon and a mixing bowl. My wife asked, "Rough night?" I said, "Yeah, how'd you know?" "You were stirring in your sleep."

Me: "I hit an animal, and my car is totaled. Am I covered? Insurance agent: "Yes. What did you hit?" Me: "A fish."

When people say, "You look so familiar," ask them "Were we in prison together?" It ends the conversation every single time.

Over the past couple years, I got my FAA Part 107 certification (thank you, Pilot Institute), and after finally being able to get some hands on training and practice through my department, I finally got the chance yesterday to fly on a fire scene.

My favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandmother. Until my mom took the urn from me.

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I am so stoked for this album. I listen to The Birth of A King multiple times at Christmas, and this looks to be just as good. Can't wait!

My son was questioning me on why polar bears are only at the north pole, not the south pole. I replied, "Well, if they go both ways, then they're bipolar bears."

Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they ever said was "Bach, Bach, Bach!"

I've just begun a speed reading course, and last night, I read "Great Expectations" in 15 seconds. I know, it's only two words, but I'm still a beginner.

My doctor told me that I needed to start eating more whole foods. So for lunch today, I ate a whole pizza.

My neighbor suggested I put cow manure on my strawberries. Tried it. I'm going back to whipped cream.

I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.

Does refusing to go to the gym count as resistance training?

I showed up at work, and my boss told me I should have been at work at 8:00, I asked him, "Why? What happened at 8:00?"

While job hunting, I found out that the T-Rex Cafe is hiring. They're short handed.

Laughter is the best medicine... ...unless you have diarrhea.