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i don't know. i put the laundry on a rock in front of our place wednesdays, and it comes back folded on friday. try that

Some idiot asked why my car is full of inflatable sharks as if it's not gift-giving season.

This is everything needed to make a 100k writing books [tosses you a dictionary]

[falconry lesson] Here's your glove, here's your bird. Come back with both.

Worcestershire sauce (voice to text)

A goose in a casino putting a slice of bread on black and walking out with a whole loaf

Is Chad still a country?

It's the horse part of the Apocalypse that scares me the most.

Can’t believe it’s not butter? [enters echo chamber] now you don’t have to

All of the Acropolis are playing saturnalia music

I refuse to acknowledge the passage of time, logging on

Unblock clogged sinuses using the love you didn't receive as a child. It’s floating out there somewhere.

There’s like 5 of you left that are only on here that’s keeping me from deleting the app

You love the cozy armchair in your doctor's waiting room. What's keeping you from making an offer? Only your own fear.

[first day as a pirate] *looking at treasure map* ten marks the spot

If I cared about me, I’d be deeply worried

[guy naming weeds] this one looks like a lion, but dandier

How to tell good art. Is there a flower in it? Is someone holding it? Does the flower look sad?

My theory is if I keep on randomly stuffing tissue paper into this gift bag, the beauty of its natural crystalline form will emerge.