On the day of his birth, the disgraced Prince found not cake, but chains. The Crown confirms his arrest under suspicion of misconduct. (Via TMZ)

The Orange King of House Trump has ordered the Crown’s hidden sky scrolls unsealed. For years they were dismissed as rumor. Now, the realm shall see. (Via TMZ Flea Bottom)

The ravens insist the vile Lord Ser Jeffrey of House Epstein perished in his cell. Yet fishermen swear they saw a bald man rowing toward the Kingdom of Israellos Should he reappear, the Iron Throne offers: • Bare-handed Trial by Combat vs 500 sword-wielding children

Before the tourney of All-Stars, Lord Barack of House Obama and Ser Anthony of House Edwards exchanged jests in the courtyard. “I wore him out yesterday,” said the former King. “Nay,” replied the young wolf, “he fought well… for an old lion.” (Via TMZ Flea Bottom)

BREAKING — Ser Kyrie of House Irving will sit out the rest of the season to mend a torn sigil of the knee. The maesters have spoken. He withdraws to heal, not in defeat. He shall return in 2026–27. The realm remembers the magic! (Via TMZ Flea Bottom)

In the halls of House Rubin, whispers spread of a servant accused of emptying the lord’s vault with a hidden key. For nearly a year, the gold flowed unseen. Now the Crown has taken her in chains. The sentence will be decided in the courts of the realm. (Via TMZ Flea Bottom)

BREAKING — The Small Council has decreed: any House found deliberately losing battles shall be punished. Their sentence? They must trade for Ser Paul of House George. Tank at your own peril. The realm does not forgive. (Via House of Charania)

BREAKING — Blades nearly clashed in House Lakers’ yard. Ser Bronny and Ser Austin came to blows before bannermen intervened. The King of Akron has spoken. Ser Austin has been sent to the pits. (Via Sharms of House Charania)

BREAKING — Ravens report Ser Anthony The Fragile twisted something whilst adjusting his gauntlet. The injury scroll grows longer. The realm grows tired. (Via the Archmaester of Soft Tissues)

Ser Ja of House Morant continues to prepare for wars that do not exist. The Iron Throne has clarified: The season requires buckets. Not blades. (Via the Order of Excessive Steel)

BREAKING: Lord Floyd of House Mayweather has once again emerged from retirement. The man went 50–0, laid down his gloves… and said “actually, one more tourney.” The realm has learned: Death, taxes, and Floyd unretiring. 🥊⚔️ (Via TMZ Flea Bottom)

Ser Kevin The Ashy of House Durant swears he has no issue with loyalty. It is merely the kingdoms that keep collapsing around him. A tragic coincidence, surely. (Via TMZ Flea Bottom)

BREAKING — After ten winters under House Hearn, Ser Conor of House Benn now swears fealty to House White. The banners have changed. (Via TMZ Flea Bottom)

Ser Ben of House Simmons was once in the tourney grounds. Now he builds castles. One brick at a time. (Via Flea Bottom Slums)

Ser Zion the Well Fed of House Williamson, blessed with strength of ten men, yet undone time and time again by the Ladies of Sculpted Sorcery. The realm is not surprised. (Via Flea BBLottoms)

Ser Villon of House Brooks, who swore himself the League’s Dark Lord, has fractured his left hand. Even villains, it seems, are not immune to karma. (Via House of Shams)

The Iron Ring has a new sovereign. Ser Ryan The Flash of House Garcia now wears the Welterweight Crown. Let the realm send forth its bravest.👑 (Via TMZ Flea Bottom)