I should call her. I should call all of them.

I been stealing from my CVS so much the security guard got a gun now

This how I’m gonna be looking at that eclipse

They say not to look directly at the eclipse but one thing about me you KNOW I love peeking

If we weren’t meant to gamble on sports then sports would not use numbers, the language of gambling

Instead of a time turner hermione should’ve just snorted some vyvanse

Your joke format is being adapted into an HBO miniseries

if you’ve never accidentally done meth u aren’t a real adult

Had a nightmare last night where I had to write my thesis paper with a Roku remote

Love is blind has major Pyramus and Thisbe vibes

This guy sky rizzy i thought he was one of the hottest rappers coming out turns out he’s a psiorasis medication

My BBL popped and turned into a baby owl, so I’m glad duolingo shed some light on this

I am cursing everyone’s sports gambling results today. You will lose your parley. You will lose your bets and you will lie just a little bit about how much you lost to your loved ones and to yourself. I am a hater and you are annoying and I am cursing you and I hate you.

new chinese year new chinese me

After Super Bowl halftime: hello honey? Just want you to know I’m proud to call you my bitch

Scrapbooking with smells

When I’m on the train with a book I become the philosopher of that train

Honey, do you think our baby would serve cunt?

I don't smoke crack

I smoke crevice

Damn I hope my shirt doesn’t stick up all weird when I’m on the edge of all human understanding