Meditation taught me about balance in life. Like when you spend the $25 you were paid for the gig on the ticket you received parking at it.

These two cancel each other out, so I give up.

The closest I’ll get to a vacation this year is switching my Nicotine gum flavor to Tropical Fruit.

Dry January is showing me how many comics can be caring and kind at shows, and it’s rather insufferable.

I’m gonna be real chill this year.* *emails a booker my avails on their birthday.

When you leave your notebook of premises open at home and your GF finds it.

Michelob consistently finds ways to make drinking look not fun.

Prototype for my new business “Shot coozies for antidepressants.”

It's sad going to a Newbury Comics in a mall. The cashier looks like he gets his Bad Brains shirt dry-cleaned.

Me: the bar where I do my show has been sold, every week could be the last show. Other Comic: Bummer, so any room this week?

My friend dyed the cocaine green for St Paddy’s one year and some guy refused to snort due to “allergy concerns.”

Fun time of year where you're not sure if the lethargic energy is depression or allergies.

My new barber gave me some weed as a thank you for being a new client. The haircut blows, but you gotta pick your battles.

My dad just yelled at another dad for trying to cut him in line at a Chinese buffet. I’ve never admired him more.

Had the most original heckler this week, because they tried to steal my dinner while I was onstage.

Hey I'm headlining at Nick's Comedy Stop this Saturday night! Be there, 8PM: ci.ovationtix.com/35645/producti…

Hahahaha this is like the saddest looking open mic set list ever.

I just got flipped off by a 90 y/o. Shows on the Cape are fun.

Cancelled my afternoon, gotta follow this guy to see where he ends up.

The Horror…