Best band ever? Probably.

Hanging out with Matt Damon is annoying. He keeps asking me about apples — if I like them, how I like them. Also, he thinks phone numbers are apples.

The whole Karen thing is a bit of a dodge. Instead of owning up to our own occasional awfulness, we select egregious examples of similar awfulness in others. We name it Karen so that it is not us. Is, though. We’re all part Karen. And yo it’s super sexist too.

man I wish I could kick flip

BREAKING: Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg has passed away at age 87. We’ll go live at 9 ET/6 PT on #TheBriefing to discuss Justice Ginsburg’s legacy, the Court’s future, and the implications for the 2020 election.

Alright, can someone please ask Billie Joe Armstrong to respond to this piece of shit, racist, “tough on crime” DA trying to use him for political gain?

Predictive text never seems to learn the word "fucking" ("ducking"??) but it somehow knows "Fuckpit"? WTF @achyguts

Who has two thumbs?

OH: "Did you know Elvis Presley was a shrimper?"

Margaret Atwood couldn't read til age 70. Tim Burton never heard of movies til he was 106. U2 are ancient rock formations. It's never too la

So excited to have #280characters! I mean, wow! What should I say? The sky's the limit, right? What's that you say? Not all Twitter users ha

This lady’s dating app profile says, “I am driven by my work.” So I wanna ask, “Why don’t they drop you off?”

Anyone need a Christmas tree? I know where you can street score one.

Bakers probably say, “It’s six-and-a-half of one or a half-dozen of the other,” right?

I’m micro-dosing THC! AKA walking around downtown Berkeley and breathing the air.

The bus announcement goes, “Approaching, Shattuck, and, Alcatraz,” and a guy in back goes, “Albatross!” ... I love Berkeley.

Hey Hivemind! How are y'all constructing your hexagonal wax homes?

The new Childish Gambino video is amazing. (Just an FYI to my 7 followers. Hi.)

Oh you’ve been in the nest too long, she said, And I-hhhi naturally fledged... —The Swifths