Her: Hey babe? Me: Yes? Her: There are very few moments in my life I’d like to delete. And I will list them for you now.

We can get it all done in one failed swoop!

If I scream a little bit when I burp, I don’t throw up in my mouth as much as usual.

Everyone’s got their thing. The Tarzan soundtrack really gets me going. It’s what I listen to to get pumped up.

Me: What’s nephrology the study of? Her: I dunno. Fondling dead people?

Me: How was the acting in that movie! Her: Well...the dead girls did great.

Ignorance is someone else’s joke.

Welp. I’ve reached the age where I carry Tums around in my purse. So that’s fun.

You can’t judge me…I’m asleep.

I don’t hate him, I just don’t ever want to be near him.

Son: It was a super big tiny box. Mom: That’s an oxymormon, honey.

Biters? Biters are fucking sneaky.

Me: I feel like I could write a whole op-ed about this. Bex: I’m not sure I would read it, but I’d be proud of you. Me: That’s why we’re married.

RT BexIsms: Jim Cornette been waiting to try and buy one of the re packages/leftover original action figures. Not on site. Do I have the day wrong? I am glad it was not just me

I don’t know if I’ll be able to support our kid if he’s a bench player.

I just don’t want to be aggressively bullied by the standup.

I read the news but I also read the stories that make you feel good - the plush pieces.

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