Sadly it appears that Hertford and Stortford harbours traitors to Dear Leader Rishi. Please report these miscreants to me so they can be dealt with.

I am extremely disappointed with the voters of Hertford and Stortford. You clearly don't know what is good for you. #Brexit

I am #readyforrishi because of masterstrokes like bringing 30p Lee into government. A lesser mind would never have considered this.

I condemn the British people for standing with migrant loving Lineker. It's shocking you don't understand that Suella is working hard to stop you being replaced. Hertford and Stortford, buck up!

In light of the national furore about central office ordering C*********ve MPs to remove our party name from social media, I can proudly say publicly that I am a member of Kent C*********ve Party. independent.co.uk/arts-entertain…

The temerity of the little people on Hertford and Stortford Conservative Executive is staggering. Who do they think they are. What business of theirs is it if I live in Kent? Now forced to slum it with the hoi polloi of general members to keep my job! conservativehome.com/2023/04/05/mar…

The forelock tuggers have fallen into line. Now Halfpenny Comms will tell you all what to think. Thankfully I won't have to leave Kent to visit the serfs for another few years. bishopsstortfordindependent.co.uk/news/bishop-s-…

In case there's still dissent in Hertford and Stortford about my reselection, I've voted to allow Police to detain and search you with no suspicion of wrongdoing on your part. If you support me, you have nothing to worry about. theyworkforyou.com/divisions/pw-2…

Chalk streams and the River Lea are doing just fine. I can't smell the sewage dumped there from Kent. But I can stop anti-business extremists imposing extra costs on water companies. So I voted that way last night. theyworkforyou.com/divisions/pw-2…

I see my newly subservient constituency party has, like me, hired a PR agency to gaslight voters. Good show chaps, perhaps you're not so bad after all. m.facebook.com/story.php?stor…

Local Conservatives failed to get rid of me, so the voters of East Herts have got rid of them. Serves em right.

GB News It has the word ‘News’ in the name Its slogan is “Great Britain’s News Channel” It appears in the news section of my TV planner …and yet Ofcom is saying it’s fine for Tory politicians to host their own shows on there because it’s not a news channel. Stitch-up.

Had a busy week at Westminster voting to let children be educated in unsafe, crumbling school buildings and to keep that secret from the public. Hey ho. An MPs work is never done. theyworkforyou.com/divisions/pw-2…

Throughout WW2 the RNLI saved downed Luftwaffe pilots from the seas. Because that's what the RNLI does. It saves lives. Regardless of who they are or why they're there. That's something to be immensely proud of if you're British. This attitude is not.

Last night I voted to sweep away a raft of environmental protections, having previously supported polluting my constituency's rivers and streams for profit. In case you're angry, I also backed a Draconian ban on effective protest. hansard.parliament.uk/commons/2023-0…

Let thm eat shit! theguardian.com/society/2023/j…

No-one can accuse me of being lazy when it comes to saving my skin, so last night I stabbed Boris in the back to keep a junior government job. Boris the dog is not impressed. theguardian.com/politics/2023/…

Ware Town Council did a lot of work and secured a banking hub for the town, so of course I told my Hampshire PR firm to claim credit on my behalf. #ShamelessSelfPromo waretowncouncil.gov.uk/2023/07/12/war…