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When your wife asks if her makeup is running, don't reply "it's jogging" #notetoseth

So many great comics have performed at Wiseguys! Always a fun show. Support standup comedy, see a show this weekend! wiseguyscomedy.com

My wife is funny

Nothing motivates me to have a productive day like surprising my hiding-in-the-shower-curtains cat with water every morning

Pro tip: if you’re out shopping with your spouse and you need to fart, wait until you’re in a Sephora. Watching people smell perfume samples and quickly put them back makes any amount of shopping feel worth it.

Me: searching “locking butter dish” Amazon: your dog sounds great Butter eating dog: I’m the best

#SLC It’s BengtWashburn THIS Fr/Sat Wiseguys Comedy @shopthegateway w Alex Velluto spencer♔ Seth Tippetts! Get tix: wiseguyscomedy.com/events/bengt-w… #comedy #standupcomedy #slc #thisplaceisajoke

My community is called "The Exchange". They're building another community down the street and calling it "The Exchange 2". Can't believe they're throwing away the opportunity to call it "The Refund"...

Being 6’9” in a pandemic is nice because I’m above all the “droplets” and I can reach the untouched crate of Lima beans that all the Utah toilet paper hoarders missed. Didn’t buy it, but I could’ve.

Working from home has been great, but I've farted into my office chair so much I don't think they'll want it back after quarantine...

I’m guessing Trump’s concession speech will be about popcorn and Hot Tamales #Election2020results

I just posted "What do you call deviled eggs served by a prostitute?" on Reddit reddit.com/r/Jokes/commen…

I've learned so many new words watching the impeachment trial: Treasory: something that's treason-ish Nullity: fancy word for "not" Canard: a Canadian testicle President: not Trump? Eh...?

This weekend it’s pete lee LIVE Wiseguys Comedy @downtownslc with steve soelberg Seth Tippetts wiseguyscomedy.com/events/pete-lee #slc #thisplaceisajoke #wiseguyscomedy

TONIGHT it’s Carmen Lynch LIVE Wiseguys Comedy Downtown SLC The Gateway w Seth Tippetts Matt Tribe Gabe Olson! Shows 7p & 9:30p. Get tix:wiseguyscomedy.com/events/carmen-…

The sad thing about the Crypto Crash vs a Wall St. crash is less leaping to your death from a building and more hanging yourself in your moms basement.

Great weekend opening for the hilarious @preacherlawson. Check out his set on Jimmy Fallon that aired Friday night! Big thanks to @wiseguyscomedy and all the wonderful audience members we had this weekend! instagram.com/p/CfS2_eoO7S2/…

Happy New Year to the love of my life. She makes me happier than a fat guy at a buffet, except… instagram.com/p/BdYISSClXtV/

#WiseguysJordanLanding Don't miss Kellen Erskine this Fri/Sat w @JoshFonokalafi Seth Tippetts. wiseguyscomedy.com/events/kellen-…

Italian breakfast cereal is salty and served with warm milk. I hate it more than the US hates the metric system.