M: Let's wait for you to have your special cookie until after baby sister is in the tub. We don't want her to get jealous. S: No, you don't want her to get frosting.

Driving to school: "Mommy, I think I have jock itch." "What do you think jock itch is?" "I don't know, but my foot itches."

During a knock-down-drag-out tantrum: "I don't want to change my pants! This is the worst night ever! I have shortness of breath!"

"Stop guiding me back to the table! I don't need DaddyMaps to navigate me!!"

After stubbing his toe: "The oceans would fill up with tears if the world was hurting this much."

"If you feel something in my butt, it's not poop, it's styrofoam."

1.5 year old babbling: Yucky! Bubbles! Yucky bubbles! Sam: That's just farting in the bathtub!

Dad, taking Sam to school and forgot to let him into the front seat for drop off so he had to pull out of the line and park instead: D: Sorry Sam I forgot you were supposed to move up front. S: Come on, Dad, this isn't your first rodeo!

"Women have hormones that make them able to breastfeed whereas men don't have those hormones so their nipples are basically just chest accessories."

M: Sammy I told you to go tell Daddy that it was 8:30, not yell at him until he got out of bed. S: *dripping with sarcasm* Sorry I overachieved, Mommy...

Looking at an ad for a pancake breakfast for the Salvation Army: "What?!? What do pancakes have to do with salvation?? NOTHING!! It's like 'here eat some pancakes instead of going to church'!" *Sam shakes his head in disbelief*

"Mommy can you please hand me a blanket. It's the necessary element to initiate a snuggle reaction."

Picked out his own outfit today, complete with sweatpants and a button down shirt: "I wish it was Sunday today because I look GOOD!" (referencing dressing up for church).

After being caught drinking from the maple syrup bottle in the kitchen:"TECHNICALLY no one has ever told me I'm not allowed to drink syrup..."

Me: You're on a waitlist so if someone cancels you'll be able to go to the swim camp. Sam: It'll probably be a girl that cancels. Me: Why? Sam: Oh you know... gender norms.

D: hey Sam did you know diary is an acronym? It stands for "Daddy Is Always Right, Yes!" S: take away the Y and turn the D into an L and that's what you really are.

"I don't want to lose. As you know, losing is a distant cousin of failure."

"I'm working on my second book. It's called 'Cap Computer vs. The Haunted Dry Erase Markers'. I just wrote the title for Chapter 4: 'Dried Out (In Proverbial Context)" AND THEN HE HAD TO EXPLAIN WHAT PROVERBIAL CONTEXT WAS TO ME BC I WASN'T 100% SURE 😭😭😭

On the way to school today Sam asks me if I got the paper about spirit week this week. I said I didn't and he says "Mommy!! It's one of the crumpled up pieces of paper in my backpack! You have to READ those!"

After unwrapping a cute unicorn loofah stocking stuffer on Christmas morning: "Seriously? I already HAVE a rag to wash myself with..."