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seemingly bereft of all attachments. uninhibited by feeling, only the dreams remains. The other parts of me raised to the ground, while the cold logic in me is accelerated. This unattachment is necessary for obvious reason. this is who I am, but not who I always was.

This feeling, it’s evoked something in me, i never had any idea exactly what it evoked, but it’s made me wonder and continues to make me wonder. is that really all there is to me? am I not hiding something? do I really not feel nothing at all? I’m set on my dream.

this is who I am. the uncaring, unattached person. all of this sheds a ton of light on who I am. it was fated. As a child and in my youth, I was one of the brightest and happiest most loving boy you could meet, but one of the keys here is the contrast.

the contrast between who I was, which is deep inside of me where there is love, connection and expression. but who I am now I am just that empty. unbelievably empty. I’ve lost all that which made Jok, Jok.

Seeing everything that’s happened and understanding all of the terrible things that’s happened in the world. something snapped in me. alone and cold, shrouded in a piercing light that it feels dark. unable to understanding myself. no understanding.

paradoxically I am looking in a circular fashion for the reason I took up this stance. will I find it though? and even if I do will it be too late? to express myself verbally, i’m not really fond of it. but perhaps oddly enough, is that the key to understanding myself.

maybe so. maybe not. Am I stupid for thinking there has to be more? on full moons, nostalgic warmth cloaks me, but that too disappears. constant emptiness, no will to fill it. only embrace it and yearn for it. there are blurred lines there and I still feel things.

so I have not fully escaped these feelings, it manifests on full moons. otherwise I’m just yapping and let’s just ignore this. everyone’s light has always guided me with them to where we need to go but that’s doubly indicative of my underlying psychology.

I never saw how this ripped me into dualism, born with this insatiable, unrelenting desire for a dream and always intended to solely focus on that. even if i cared for people, I never let that deter me. until…You.

you were special. maybe learning about, loving with, birthed this compassion and caring side and I was never intended to emotionally interact with anyone at anything closer than arms length, but i did so anyway. maybe that’s the part of me that regrets?

Somehow, in my specific context, I have manifested into something different and new, but still with ties to my humanity. this is understandably a sensitive topic. To clarify, this is not me saying that maybe I could be redeemed or have potential to be redeeemed.

I just view all of this as evidence that a tiny detached part of me still cares and the capability for care does not make me good. in fact, it can make me a worse person in retrospect for deciding to focus solely on me things despite caring.

I don’t care. if this is the end. I’m alright, but I ain’t okay. I’m kinda happy this way. I’m free.

it’s okay. it doesn’t hurt and i’m not trying to tough. I’m kind of happy. i’m finally free…finally. I feel like i’ve redeemed myself a bit. but finally free…

omg

#timeless

heart & soul

JOYBOY'S VOICE FINALLY!!!

JOYBOY HAKI