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Spotify just informed me that at this time of day, I typically listen to music "from the 1900s."

Is the dress rehearsal for my adult ballet recital the right place to start eating a chicken enchilada burrito from Taco Bell

Came back to this godforsaken place just to say earthquake

Ok but who remembers the 2011 nyc earthquake

I know you were all waiting for my take on whole body deodorant. mcsweeneys.net/articles/intro…

"Let’s get down to the facts. Four out of five doctors think that you’re repulsive." mcsweeneys.net/articles/intro…

Today I heard a gen Z say "like studio 54 in the 80s" and it was a stark reminder that younger generations weren't forced to get a cultural education from VH1 at 11 years old.

Been getting a lot of mileage out of the barf emoji lately

The Seine? Ohhhhh you mean Poop River.

After a day at the beach I expect to look like a sexy, windswept swimsuit model but I just look like someone who went through a difficult experience.

A chicken? Oh, you mean egg mommy.

I help my community all the time. I hit one spotted lantern fly with my car.

I just saw a woman walking down the street with green hair and a black and white striped shirt. Was she going for Beetlejuice or did she have no idea? It kills me that I will never know.

I love being in a loud restaurant with bad acoustics because you can say "yum yum yum" out loud and no one will hear you.

I have a very particular set of skills. (Seeing food spilled on the sidewalk and knowing with 100% certainty when it's Chipotle)

Is it bad that the guy making my chipotle called me a "trooper" because of my order?

Did it hurt? When Moo Deng bit you?

The haters said I'd never post another stranger's diary video but youtu.be/qu69KO-lOeg

I'm on bluesky. Idk

Just chugged buncha seed oil