Incase you were wondering how a baby fly is made. Just look on the windshield of my car. #BugsAndTheBees #FlyPorn @ Galloway, New Jersey instagram.com/p/BmtzHEgHuaD/…

When god closes a door he opens a window, secure the perimeter god is escaping!

outer space rly do be beautiful

Eight straight? Dab on em. #Flyers

How many years are women's periods supposed to last?

Fake Facebook profiles are the best place to spot sex predators. instagram.com/p/BRWkv9jBMW5/

Someone got into my Twitter and followed over 100 random people... why would someone waste their time...?

A girl using your phone is like a cop trailing you. Even if you're innocent, you still feel like you got a kilo of blow in the trunk.

BREAKING: Ted Cruz identifies as a sorta woman.

I need a HOT SOFT pretzel.

*does a handstand on top of a portapoty but breaks through the plastic roof and lands in gallons of raw sewage* GAHHH EVERYTHING'S RIGGED!!!

Whenever I fill out anything with a box for "Race" I add a question mark and then write "Anytime. Anywhere."

This guy deserves the Conn Smythe. x.com/peteblackburn/…

I drink wine now. it's good a gets me drunk. THERE I SAID IT.

ALL CURRENT EVENTS - "The world as you knew it is dead."

Missed my chance to spontaneously combust from staring at the eclipse too long... maybe next time.

Satan is my motor.

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