If the tech industry is stealing all my data, then why doesn't Spotify have Jimmy Buffett queued up when I pull up to my down syndrome sister's house?

In the small town I'm from the main thing they should be trying to do is cure fetal alcohol syndrome.

Gonna launch my fall "these are the people who book me" tour soon.

Wtf was going on in Winnie the Pooh? In what world is a bear the same size as a rabbit?

The Fox News moderators at the GOP debates were insane. "Okay last one to put their finger on their nose thinks Trump is still the president underneath a deep state"

My phone just asked me if I wanted to see highlights from my trip to Kent Washington last year. This was the highlight.

Cletus Cobain

Kurt Metzger starting to look like you smashed Tom Segura and Brody Stevens together to make a bookmark.

I just realized I've never seen anybody who plays spoons that look like they bathe more than once a month

Zillow is exactly like porn: let me look at all these boxes I'll never get inside of.

Olive Garden: when you're here, you're a broken family

Instagram offered to translate aficionado into English for me and now I'm not sure if I'm stupid or if Instagram is.

Every stand up comic: "The worst thing you can do is steal jokes" Also every stand-up comic: "I'm in Pasiquaddiytonville cause ....uhhhh...my career is on fire"

Zillow needs a comment section

At the heart of America's mental health crisis is the fact that when the asylums closed, a bunch of comedy clubs opened.

RFK will have to take away my cotton candy maker from my cold, dead, sticky hands

Instagram introduced teen accounts, in other news Coors introduced 6oz child beers.

Wigger is a slur. It should be werson of wolor

A note regarding tonight’s previously scheduled episode. South Park To Continue On Wednesday, September 24th At 10pm ET/PT On Comedy Central.

With all this Epstein hub bub, can we start celebrating men who sleep with age appropriate prostitutes.